The end of a marriage is usually tough. But once you're on the other side, your life opens up in a variety of ways. Suddenly, there are new possibilities in front of you. That might be true because you've found more emotional freedom or happiness, which may lead to new work opportunities, room in your life for friendships, or even new love!
New relationships are one of the best parts about life after divorce. But when you have kids, finding love again isn't just hella fun and exciting. It's also hella scary. That's because in the back of your mind, you know that even if things are going great, swimmingly, superb with your new person, eventually you're going to have to start bringing them around to meet your kids.
And truth be told, that could go super well, or it could go terribly. Whatever happens, you'll be left to deal with the fallout.
Knowing when to introduce your new partner is tough. But in all honesty, there are so many hard parts about this new dynamic! It definitely doesn't get easier after the first meeting. You have to figure out what role your new partner is going to play in your kids' lives. You have to decide how much they will be around. And more than anything, you have to figure out how to get your kids comfortable with the whole idea of a new person all up in their space anyway.
Some kids warm up right away, and some kids … well, don't.
Here are a few things you can do to help them adjust.
1. Don't Rush Them
It's important not to expect too much from your kids when it comes to meeting, or warming up to, your new partner. While to you, this person is obviously really special and important, to your kids they might seem like an invader. They're new. They're in their space. And … it's not really up to your kids. The least we can do is cut our kids some slack. That doesn't mean allowing them to be rude to your partner, but expecting them to behave like perfect angels or suddenly be best buddies with them is setting the bar much too high.
2. Make Sure To Have Some Special Time With Just Your Kids
Even if your partner is moving in with you, it's still a great idea to have some time when it's just you and your kids. It doesn't have to be every night of the week. But your kids look forward to seeing just you, even if they really like the person you're dating! Knowing that there will be certain times when they get you all to themselves will likely give them a feeling of comfort and stability, even when so much is changing.
3. Be Clear That Your Choices Are Your Own
Being a kid is hard because you don't get to decide things about your own life, some of which are really important. Like, who your parent is dating. Your kids might freak out, act out, or rebel. But you should be clear that who you date is not up to them. Keeping that firm line will be tough for your kids at first, but it's important so that they don't start to think they can dictate your relationships. You can, of course, be respectful of their feelings. But make sure they know that they aren't in charge.
4. Invite Your Partner to Important Events
While you certainly want to have some one-on-one time with just your kids, if your partner is going to be in your lives, they should be invited to important life events. It will absolutely feel like a big change for your kids, but it will be good for them to see that this person wants to be in their lives — that means coming to family stuff. A big part of getting comfortable with someone is having them around to create new traditions and dynamics. So the sooner this starts to happen, the sooner they will get used to a new normal.
5. Make Sure the Kids Have Space and Privacy
Depending on the ages of your kids, privacy might be of little concern, or it might be a huge concern. Sharing a bathroom and being right down the hall from someone who is not related to you can feel totally weird for kids, and it makes complete sense. Do whatever you need to do to give your kids enough space and privacy. If you can't fit another person in your home without making everyone feel uncomfortable, than maybe plans to move in together can wait. Having enough space, whether that means building another bathroom or making sure the kids have a room that feels like home, is absolutely essential. No, kids don't get to dictate everything. But they should feel as though they're entitled to privacy in their own home.
6. Let Things Develop Naturally
Your kids are bound to have some tough moments with your new partner. But whatever you do, don't freak out. Let things unfold on their own, and know that new relationships take time. It might not always look pretty, but big changes are happening. The more you can let go and let them, without worrying about every small interaction that occurs, the better.
7. Keep the Trust Alive
Having your new partner around might make your kids feel like their lives have been totally flipped upside down. So it's important that no matter what, your kids know that they can always come and talk to you. Whether it's about something that's weighing on them that has nothing to do with the new arrangement or they're upset about something that's going on with their new houseguest, they should still feel comfortable opening up.
At the end of the day, if your kids know that their happiness and comfort level is important to you, things are going to work out just fine.
