I consider myself a person who is in tune with my health. I exercise every day without fail. I try to eat a balanced diet, though I definitely am a fan of enjoying myself. I watch my alcohol intake and even went sober for a few months recently, as part of a cleanse or a deep check-in with my physical and mental health. I even do yoga and make sleep a huge priority.
But if there's one part of my overall health that I ignore more than others, it's absolutely socialization. The truth is, as a single mom who works from home and has lost a lot of friends in recent years, I'm pretty isolated.
It's really sort of sad when you think about it, too, because when you're young and carefree, you don't even think about the fact that socialization might be important to your overall well-being. That's because it's not particularly hard to feel social or connected to people. When you're alone a good chunk of the time, you realize that oh-my-god it is.
It struck me recently when I was listening to a podcast about loneliness. The host was speaking about how, while we don't talk much about loneliness because there's an assumption that if you're lonely, it's because, well, you're a loser no one wants to hang out with, it's extremely common.
I'd venture to guess that loneliness hits single parents, as a group, pretty hard. But I can only speak for myself.
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For me, a couple of really hard years were largely the culprit. I was consumed by navigating a grueling and seemingly endless divorce and a rough depression that followed. Coming out of that, I realized I had very few friends left to call. People who spent years not reaching out to me were upset that I was working hard on navigating an entirely new phase of life. Perhaps that's OK. After all, I've come to realize that the friends who fell away as I battled immense challenges were worth losing. But it's tough when you realize that those connections are now a lot harder to come by. I'm guessing I'm not alone in saying that single motherhood has largely robbed me of connectedness to others.
I am not an extremely social person these days, so I'm not often longing for dozens of friends. I am typically satisfied to spend half the week with my kids and enjoy the quiet of an empty house when they are with their father. I love working and spending time alone hiking — and hanging out on the couch with my dogs. I'm generally content with the way my life looks, and I know I'm lucky because most people can't say that.
Still, there are moments I find myself yearning for friendships that simply don't exist anymore. And while being alone isn't always hard, those moments sometimes shatter me.
A few years ago, I felt like I was constantly being cast aside or ignored because I was in a hard phase of life. But the truth was that that made the hard phase so much more destabilizing. It felt like being kicked while I was down.
I still grieve the loss of those friendships. At the same time, I know they weren't meant to last. If learning how to navigate life as a single mother — the heartbreaks and the anxiety — was enough to irreversibly change the course of any relationships I had, then crushing as it is, it's for the best.
Learning that people will always judge you for how you combat your saddest, most impossible moments feels awful. But you can't control it. You have to give up and stop trying. You have to get used to having fewer people around. But feeling so many people exit your life can leave you feeling picky, maybe even terrified, of who you allow into it.
That's where I am. That's where I have been for the better part of a year now. I've become so accustomed to being alone that I almost forget to take note of it. I almost forget to take some time to socialize at all. I have to force myself to remember that I know I still have people who care about me. I know there are people I can call, even in a moment of anguish, who won't think the worst of me. Those friendships might be few, but they are also key.
The good news is, for people like me who don't feel the need to be social all the time, it doesn't really matter how many friends you have or how often you go out and see them. It's the quality of your interactions that really matter. A simple phone call with a family member or buddy can be enough. A twice-monthly dinner with a handful of people you love and cherish can lift your mood immeasurably.
Remembering to be social, at least every once in a while, is something I, admittedly, let go for a while. But I know that it matters because even when I'm taking care of my health in every other possible way, I still get bowled over by loneliness from time to time. It often feels like I've gotten so used to being alone that I forget it's not really normal, or healthy, to be so isolated. I know I'm not alone in that, at least.
So many of us are likely guilty of the same. But if you've been ignoring those pangs of loneliness for too long, it might be time to check in with what you really need — and that might be a friend.
