The mental load of motherhood can begin as early as pregnancy. According to the National Child & Maternal Health Education Program, “Depression and anxiety that happen during pregnancy or anytime during the first year after the birth of your baby are medical conditions. These feelings are not something you caused by doing or not doing something. And, they can be treated if you seek help.”
However, moms need to care for their mental well-being through all the phases of their and their child’s lives. LittleThings spoke with Colleen O’Grady, licensed psychotherapist and author of Dial Down the Drama: Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting With Your Teenage Daughter, on how moms can face the challenges for all stages of motherhood and also incorporate their own self-care.
Moms of newborns must learn to adapt.
“The challenge for moms who have newborns is their whole life has radically changed,” says O’Grady. “Even though mom may be married to an active dad, she still feels it's all on her.” She shares, “Many moms of newborns try to do it all — with excellence. A mom I see in my private practice has a 4-month-old and manages a big team at her full-time job. She was trying to get everything right, but something had to give, which was her health. In my office, with tears rolling down her cheeks, she told me that many mornings and lunches she would forget to eat. She was doubling up on her ADHD medication to get through the day and would drink way too much in the evening to try to sleep.”
O’Grady points out, “In the newborn years, you're trying to figure out how to be a mom and figure out a structure or routine that works for your family. Unfortunately, your attention is on everyone else and not on yourself. I call this the Mom Phenomenon, which is you think that you have cared for yourself, but you have not.”
A perfect example of this comes from her own journey. “When my daughter was a newborn, I took her to the grocery store,” O’Grady says. “I made sure she was dressed in her baby finest, bow included. I walked through the grocery store and people would look at me and then look at the baby and say, ‘She is so beautiful.’ It wasn’t till I looked in the rearview mirror did I realize that I had mascara running down my face. I looked like a rock star from Kiss. The challenge for moms is to make sure that they look in the mirror and pay attention to themselves.”
She shares one way she took care of herself: “When my daughter was really little, I would go running with a jogging stroller every day. Cardio is my friend. It helps take the edge off and keeps me calm. And that continues to this day, minus the jogging stroller.”
Next comes toddler tantrums.
“If a mom has not learned how to take care of her own needs, she’ll have no reserves,” says O’Grady. “Then, all it takes is one full-blown temper tantrum for mom to lose it and have her grown-up version of a temper tantrum. Drama happens when the mom joins the toddler with spiraling out-of-control emotions.”
Here’s what worked for her: “I would schedule playdates with my friends. I made sure I had a good list of babysitters. I would make sure I had quiet time in the morning just for me. At night when my daughter went to bed, I would play my guitar and just wail on it, and that became the white noise that lured her to sleep.”
Elementary school brings a reprieve but unleashes a new set of challenges.
“Moms are letting go of some control,” says O’Grady. “There are a lot of unknowns. Moms can’t control their [child's] friend group. Her daughter may get left out of a group or feel bullied by other kids. So the challenge for moms is how to manage the fear and anxiety that start to creep in.”
This is when her me time really started to take off. “Starting in my daughter's elementary school years, I would take a trip just for me and would go to Colorado to a song school. That was probably one of the most healing things I would do. After four days, I’d feel like myself again.”
Middle school starts the mother/daughter drama.
“So many things are challenging in middle school,” says O’Grady. “I would see a lot of middle school girls in my therapist's office. I started noticing a similarity between these girls. They all thought their mothers were annoying. This comforted me because my daughter also thought I was annoying.”
She continues, “The challenge for moms is to not take this personally. How can you not take this personally, you might ask. Their annoyance is directed towards you. I know. But it is where they are developmentally. They are trying to individuate and not be so dependent on you by telling you, ‘You’re annoying.’”
She shares, “In middle school years, I signed up for a business mastermind [group], and we’d meet in Asheville three to four times a year for a long weekend. Getting out of town with friends and creating my business really filled my cup. My daughter benefited because when I came home, she got happy mom.”
High school is when battles for control begin.
“You have to be intentional to create time every day, even 15 minutes a day where you are just being present with them,” says O’Grady. “Your intention is to enjoy them and not monitor them. You can create positive experiences together in normal day-to-day life.”
No matter what stage of motherhood you’re in, self-care can be slipped into your days.
“If moms don’t believe they are crucial, then everything seems more important, even your dog getting their teeth cleaned,” says O’Grady. “You find a way to do things that are important to you. I suggest that moms have a Sunday Startup and put what’s important to them in their schedule first. Going to lunch with a friend, going to yoga, spending time alone, walking with a friend, girls night out, your doctor's appointments. Once you book you in your schedule, the other things will fit in.”
O’Grady offers moms insight, saying, “You can combat the ‘mom crises’ by staying connected to you from infancy till when your children leave home. It is so easy to be pulled into the lives of everyone in your family to the exclusion of you. If you sacrifice yourself and pour everything you are into your child, then when they walk out the door, it can feel like you don’t exist. You wonder if mothering has been worth it. You feel like you’ve lost more than you gained as a mom.’
