Singer and songwriter Keke Wyatt announced her 11th pregnancy in 2022 after hesitating to share the news, fearing the negative backlash of pregnancy shaming. Imagine an award-winning artist who has a reported $5 million net worth becoming a victim of what is, in my opinion, a double standard around the right to have a large family. The pro-choice movement was established to stand with women and their right to choose; however, it seems to me this is not the case for countless women who have chosen life.
Some folks on social media publicly made fun of Wyatt shortly after her 11th pregnancy debut. Some statements were direct demands, begging her to tie her tubes, while others chimed in with humor-filled memes questioning if this was an attempt to compete with media mogul Nick Cannon, who has fathered seven children and counting. The criticisms, false judgments, and constant speculation are no strangers to women worldwide. Shaming women for their choice to delay or remain childless is just as hurtful as telling women they shouldn’t have more children.
It’s time to dismantle the stress, body, and budget shaming that follows big families.
This is a personal essay/opinion piece.
Body Shaming
Minutes after giving birth to baby No. 4, I remember the nurse warning me about the physical consequences of having more children as the doctor was in the process of removing the placenta. I lay there thinking, can I enjoy my moment? Can we have this talk tomorrow? My baby was just born minutes ago! The agenda became apparent when the doctor started to shove birth control pills in my bag after I quickly agreed to take them in order to get them to shut up.
A month later, I quickly shed 20 pounds after countless women shared their unsolicited advice while claiming their own refusal to have children out of fear of ruining their bodies. Yet many of them were twice my size due to controllable and uncontrollable reasons. I refuse to body-shame, but I also refuse to be a victim of pregnancy body shaming, too. I was over the continuous negative commentary about beauty standards that my childless critics failed to reach for themselves.
Stress Shaming
People make all sorts of assumptions, believing children add too much stress to our lives. I will not pretend that some days aren’t stressful, and I’ve admittedly found myself hiding in the bathroom for just two minutes to collect my thoughts. Truthfully, life, in general, can be stressful.
As I reflect on my younger self, 17-year-old Kim was stressed about a lot — her future, concerned about if college days were a waste of time, overwhelmed by meeting deadlines while working two jobs in New York City. Despite my added stressors from my sudden surge into parenthood, studies have actually shown parenthood lowers the risk of suicide. Suicidal triggers are not necessarily associated with gaining a child, while triggers can be increased after the loss of one. As parenting amplifies responsibility, parenting also enhances our identity and purpose.
The joy that follows the intensity of parenthood is unmatched. I can’t tell you how fulfilling the holidays are as we relive our innocence behind the tiny voices and energized footsteps we hear every day. A hug from our babies is the perfect shot of serotonin we didn’t know we needed. Their tears create such a selfless love that I often question if I’ve ever experienced genuine love before.
Financial Shaming
My husband and I reflected on our savings post-parenthood compared to our single days. Two incomes, yet not a single dime saved. Children changed everything for us; our four children matured us in ways we never expected. We say we raise our children, but honestly, our children raise us, too.
My husband and I have covered phone bills, groceries, and quick emergency loans for housing expenses, all in a single-income home! We’ve even helped families with gross incomes twice our size, including couples without children, because budgeting became a priority after parenting became a lifestyle.
That’s when I realized I don’t think it’s always the circumstances that decide financial health but often mindset and discipline. So, when you ask how they can afford all of those kids, ask yourself how you can afford anything considering the median income in America is under $50,000 per year. We are all on the same boat but are navigating the waves differently.
Yes, children are expensive, but so are the choices of some of the irresponsible childless adults I know who make three times our income. No, we are not all built the same. I have children to care for, which means budgeting is no longer a choice; it is a solidified commitment.
It doesn’t matter how self-sufficient or successful you are; it has always been about control. Women are continually fighting for their right to choose. Although choosing has become easier, the unwelcoming and feeble support for those who choose to have large families makes that choice emotionally draining for me and others like me.
