We all know this by now, but it bears repeating: This holiday season is definitely a little different from what most of us are used to. It's likely that you didn't see many family members and friends at Thanksgiving, and if you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, you probably won't get to see everyone you love then, either.
It's tough to not be able to physically hug, touch, and love the people we hold closest to our hearts. It can even feel painful to know that we're missing out on opportunities to celebrate with everyone we love the most. But if you're opting out of in-person celebrations this year, you've made that choice based on all the information that's been presented to you.
However: Even if you know why you're not going back to your mom's house or your grandfather's home this year, it can be tough to explain that to family members who just want to see you. It's rarely been so important for most of us to collectively set healthy boundaries for the holiday season, and hopefully these tips will help you do so.
1. Start early, and reinforce often.
The key to setting boundaries is to begin doing so well before you need to (if possible), and to reinforce those boundaries whenever it feels relevant to do so. Ideally, you could tell your family members and loved ones your plans in person … but if you're skipping in-person family gatherings this year, it's unlikely that you'll go that route.
Instead, start making sure everyone understands that you and your household are not participating in group holiday celebrations this year, no matter what. If your family has weekly or daily video chats or phone calls, mention it there. If you've got a big family group text, mention it there. However and whenever you talk to your family, make sure they understand your intentions so no one can say they're surprised on the big day.
2. Be prepared for some pushback.
Some family members and maybe even entire families are going to get it, but others aren't. As we are several months (almost a whole year!) into this collective experience, you probably know which family members and friends fall in which camp.
However, people who celebrate Christmas in particular are often very attached to the idea of a big family celebration on that day. It will be hard for many people to let go of a tradition that may date back decades. It's hard for grandparents who feel like they're missing out on seeing their grandkids, and it's hard for, well, all of us.
Be prepared for some people to push back and to have to hold your ground. Hopefully you won't have to, but the possibility definitely exists.
3. Make sure everyone in your household is on the same page.
This might seem obvious, but make sure everyone in your household is on the same page. It makes no sense for you to tell your family you can't see them if your partner is telling their family you guys will be over for lunch, or if your teenager is planning to spend the evening with their friends. Make sure the entire household knows what the plan is — and that everyone sticks to it.
4. Don't get angry.
It can be tough to have these conversations with family members and friends, especially if you haven't had to set these kinds of boundaries before. There are a lot of emotions involved, and it's really easy to get worked up. Try your best to stay calm whenever any pushback does arise, because it will help you remember why you're setting these boundaries in the first place.
5. Remember to validate their feelings.
If your family isn't being verbally combative in response to your boundaries, then keep in mind that it can be really helpful for you to validate the feelings they are having in response to your boundaries. You can try something like, "I know that you miss seeing and hugging your family — we miss that, too. We are just as disappointed as you are, but we're really hoping that we can all jump on a video chat this year instead."
If your family is being verbally combative, it might not be worth it to try to validate. Sometimes you just have to get in there, drop your perspective, and exit.
6. Consider coming up with a compromise.
With news of at least two viable vaccines on the horizon, consider offering some kind of compromise or solution that your extended family and friends will agree to: Maybe you can plan a summer vacation for the entire group. Pick somewhere that everyone will want to visit, and go ahead and start planning it out. A lot of people respond positively to simply having something fun to look forward to.
7. Practice and encourage empathy.
One of the toughest things about setting boundaries can be that it feels really challenging when others push back on them. Try to practice empathy for your family members who do so, as long as they aren't pushing back in a way that is dismissive of you or harmful toward you and your priorities. As tempting as it might be to point out that, for example, you're skipping out on in-person gatherings for the greater good, that's exactly the kind of statement that can turn a hard conversation to a very tense one.
8. Know that you have your rules and they have theirs.
This is possibly the most important thing to keep in mind: While you and your household have one set of rules, you have to remember that the rest of your family and loved ones have their own. At this point, you probably aren't going to change any minds, even if you really, really want to. Instead, focus on getting your message across and then moving on to something else that's fun for everyone.
