Blending families can be both a beautiful and difficult undertaking. This can be even more complicated when money is involved, as one woman recently discovered.
The distraught mom wrote to Slate’s parenting advice column, asking if she should split the money she and her late husband had saved for her children’s college education with her stepchildren.
This woman, who uses the moniker "Stuck about Sharing," says this has caused much tension in her family. Her children do not want her to use the money for their stepsiblings. Her husband does not agree with this and thinks her children should share.
She writes: “Dear Care and Feeding, I am a married woman with two children (14 and 17 years old) and two stepchildren (12 and 15 years old). My children’s father is deceased. My stepchildren live with us 60 percent of the time. My husband and I have been together for four years, married for two. My children both have fully funded college savings accounts."
"The money is sufficient to pay for private college and graduate school for each of them," she continues. "The funds were deposited in the account from their father’s life insurance and the money their paternal grandmother left them. Before their father died, we discussed his intention for the money; it was to pay for the children’s education. Anything left over was to be converted to a retirement savings account for them."
"The problem is that my husband and his ex-wife have not saved anything for their children’s educations," the mom explained. "They are pressuring me to distribute the money evenly among the four children. Technically I can do that because the money can be redistributed to siblings or stepsiblings. On the one hand, it is unfair that my children will get a free ride while his children will not. On the other hand, this money belongs to my kids, and it doesn’t feel right to give it away."
"My kids are adamant that I have no right to 'steal' their money. My husband says that my children are spoiled and selfish. I have offered a compromise that I pay what I can for my stepchildren out of my own assets, but it wouldn’t be much beyond what FAFSA requires of me. Please help! — Stuck about Sharing."
Advice columnist Allison Price responds: "Dear Stuck, It’s hard to know whether I should be reading red flags into your letter. It strikes me as problematic that your husband and his ex-wife are pressuring you to share your kids’ money. And no matter whether they couldn’t or didn’t save for their kids’ education, it’s not your responsibility to make up for that deficiency. And it sounds like it could potentially damage the relationship between you and your kids if you tried to redistribute the funds. That warrants a lot more understanding and a lot less name-calling from your husband than what it sounds like you’re getting."
"For the sake of argument, though, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume tensions are high because money does weird things to people," Allison continues. "It would be inappropriate for any of grandma’s money to go to these new stepsiblings, with whom she had no relationship. So, at the very least those funds need to stay with your kids. That leaves the insurance money. In my opinion, a life insurance settlement is meant to help a family thrive after an income-earner is no longer in the picture, and using it to help new members of the family isn’t necessarily out of bounds."
"But this would have been much more palatable if the money were in your account," Allison says. "I would check with an accountant or lawyer that there isn’t some obscure reason you can’t give the money to the stepkids. But, even if you legally can redistribute the funds, you involved your kids in the decision-making the moment you informed them of the money. You told them about the money and what it was for — and put it in their names — so their wishes should be respected."
"You offered a reasonable compromise of helping the stepchildren from your own financial assets," Allison adds. "This feels like a perfectly valid path forward. I think you have some soul searching to do — not about the money, but about the interpersonal dynamics that are popping up. Why does your husband feel entitled to your kids’ money, and why does his ex-wife get a say about it? Additionally, what are the root causes of your children’s opposition?"
"Is it about the money for them, or is there some bad blood between them and the stepsiblings or stepfather that needs to be addressed?" Allison asks. "Your children may simply feel like they are being asked to concede something intimately connected to their father, but I think it’s in your best interests to fully understand, and stand by, their points of view."
Slate readers had opinions. Stephanie Gallagher wrote on Facebook, “Absolutely not. I am saying this as a stepparent with a stepchild with a fully funded college account . These funds were from the grandparent and a deceased parent. The intent was for those children and this would ruin the relationship between children and parent. Don't do it. Your stepchildren will have to deal with the hand they were given- they have two living parents. Your children have you and the money from their dead dad.”
Mary Margaret Zukas agrees. She writes, “Nope. The money wasn’t gifted to the stepchildren. Life isn’t fair.”
Other commenters worry about the relationship between the husband and wife. Leslie Lurie advises, “Marriage counseling and possible divorce from husband.” Alan Nelson warns, “Husband and his ex-wife are working together to gaslight Mom. Get out.”
