The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial.
Over the years, private lawyer Charles M. Sevilla compiled the craziest quotes he's either heard himself or from fellow litigators in the courtroom. They've ended up in his book, entitled Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History.
As you'll find by reading through just a few of these hilarious entries, it's a wonder anyone kept a straight face in any of these cases!
That's particularly true when it comes to the stenographer recording everything being said throughout each trial — especially when a witness nails a lawyer with a good zinger.
Take a look at the funny court reports, and you'll be cracking up in no time. And don't forget to SHARE all the courtroom antics with your friends on Facebook!
1.
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
2.
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
3.
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
4.
Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
5.
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral…
6.
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
7.
Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
8.
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
9.
Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.
10.
Lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Witness: The victim lived.
11.
Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
12.
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
13.
Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
14.
Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man —
Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
15.
Lawyer: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.
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