First impressions can be intimidating, especially when meeting a partner's relatives or introducing your partner to your family. A man found himself begging his girlfriend to take part in his family's sexist tradition because he wanted her to make a good first impression.
His girlfriend was offended that he would ask her to play along, and he sought advice on Reddit, wondering if it was wrong of him to ask her to do this.
The man explained that it's simple: the women cook and the men don't.
The original poster on Reddit explained that his family hosts big dinners in which all the women cook and the men don't. Does he recognize that his family's tradition is sexist? Yes, he says.
So, naturally, he doesn't think his girlfriend needs to participate, right? Wrong. He wants her to make a good first impression, and noted that, "When (he has) seen new partners not cook, it’s gone bad. Like completely ostracized, not speaking, cattiness, rudeness etc."
He explained that some women at the dinners choose to not cook, but they're judged by the other women.
His girlfriend was not happy.
His girlfriend was initially OK with attending the dinner until she found out about this tradition.
The man said his girlfriend views it as "unacceptable" and does not want to attend if she has to cook with the other women. She was also mad at the man, telling him that he's as bad as everyone else if he wants her to go along with it.
"I told her that I understood where she was coming from, however it was best for everyone if she just played along. I told her this isn’t a permanent thing and that I am only asking her to do this so that she can avoid bad treatment from the rest of the family. This is her first impression and I don’t think it’s best if we cause waves," the OP wrote in his initial post.
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Most people in the comments did NOT agree with the OP.
Comments written in response to the post either implied or directly stated that the boyfriend was wrong for expecting his girlfriend to do this.
"'Why won't my gf abandon her sense of self-respect so that she can establish herself as a subservient woman-tool so that my sexist family won't mentally and verbally abuse her?!" one person wrote. "She just doesn't get it!!'"
Another appeared to mock the OP: "'Why is my gf mad that my family expects her to cook for them after inviting her to dinner as a guest?'"
Some pointed out that it seemed like something larger than a patriarchal tradition.
One person responded saying that they grew up in a traditional family, it was never on this level. This person seems to think the boyfriend is a bit oblivious when it comes to what women in his family actually have to deal with, writing: "I grew up in the 80s and 90s in a traditional family where the women were housewives and the men worked outside the home, and, yes, at family gatherings the women cooked and cleaned up. But even then, it would have been unheard of to expect a woman who was meeting the family for the first time to participate in the cooking. This isn't a custom, it's a hazing ritual/test. The OP may not even realize this, but the women in his family have to deal with all sort of crap; it's definitely not 'just this once.'"
Others echoed this opinion, saying that the girlfriend will never be accepted in this family and needs to run.
Some suggested that he speak up about the issue.
Again thinking that it was definitely not a "one-time thing," some people suggested that the OP stand up to his family and say something about the problem with this tradition.
"It’s pretty clear the act of not being subservient woman in this family makes them unlikely to accept you," one person wrote. "He’s asking her to slip into the role of meek woman anytime they attend holidays or family gatherings. He needs to stand up to his family if he 'disagrees' with the tradition but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that."
Others told him to lead by example.
Others understood that he might not want to say something about the tradition — but he could at least do something.
One person in the comments wrote about a similar family dynamic within her own family. When her boyfriend saw it, he didn't tolerate it; instead, he started to offer to help in the kitchen, and the women in her family loved him for it.
"The men of the family didn't even notice he was gone," she wrote. "And every single woman in my family absolutely adores my husband, and comments that he must treat me so well. I can tell you exactly why the women in your family resent other women who don't labor in the kitchen with them. It's because they want that freedom to relax a little too, and they're jealous."
"My best recommendation to you is to take your girlfriend to the kitchen, have her sit down and chat with your family, and YOU do some dishes or food prep work," she added. "That way she is not trying to socialize without you, her safe person, being around. And her 'share' (although she should NOT have a share of the work!) is being covered by YOU."
Some wondered why he cared so much about what his family thought, and not about what his girlfriend thought.
Several people noted that the boyfriend seemed worried about his girlfriend making a good first impression, but not about his family making a good first impression.
"What about your family making a good first impression on HER and not expecting her to be an unpaid cook and servant?" one person wondered.
Some went as far to say his girlfriend should break up with him.
Some people commented saying if they were this man's girlfriend, they would leave him.
"She's absolutely right," one user wrote. "You're trying to make yourself sound better than your old fashioned sexist family, but you're actually no different to them. "I suspect it won't be an issue for long though, your GF seems to have seen what you're really like. I'd be surprised if she isn't considering ending things"
Many agreed this man was perpetuating sexism.
One person wrote, "This is how all sexism starts and continues – 'just go along (with it).'"
Others agreed, wondering why he would want his girlfriend to do something that she didn't want to do, and why he would want his girlfriend to take part in something he knew was sexist.
Still, a few agreed with the man and thought it was best to avoid conflict.
There were some people who thought the girlfriend should just go along with the tradition to avoid upsetting the family. Sure, it wasn't ideal, but they didn't see a better solution to the problem. A few didn't see anything wrong with what the boyfriend was expecting his girlfriend to do.
"Man, it's just cooking, and all you did was ask," one person wrote. "It doesn't hurt anyone. I would agree to doing this in a heartbeat and would be bothered if a partner couldn't even put themselves through the most minor of inconveniences for my sake. I also find the comments asking you to burn the bridge with your family to be epic and own the patriarchy are ridiculous."
Maybe they'll be able to compromise.
A lot of people on Reddit said that his girlfriend going to the dinner and cooking with the other women was not a "compromise," as the OP suggested that it would be.
Perhaps the couple will be able to find another solution.
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