He forgot to get the milk again. He buys chickpeas instead of black beans like you asked him to. But instead of saying something, you just add that to the list of ways he's disappointed you. A week later, you two end up blowing up at your mom's birthday celebration over which napkins to use.
The intense demand on sandwich moms can rip a hole in their marriages. Here's why they are more likely to resent their spouses, and how to recognize the signs and ways to prevent it from destroying the relationship.
Why Resentment Builds in Marriages of Sandwich Moms
There are many reasons why resentment creeps up in a marriage. However, this can be particularly challenging for sandwich moms due to several factors:
- High Fatigue Levels: Balancing the needs of aging parents and growing children can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion. This leaves minimal time for sandwich moms to take care of themselves, relax, and destress, and they end up feeling worn out and easily irritated. So when their partner says or does something that they're typically able to brush off, they're ripping their head off instead.
- No Quality Time With Their Partner: Sandwich moms already have very little time for themselves, so prioritizing time with their partner is completely off the radar. There are no date nights or even 15 minutes to emotionally connect. This can lead to feelings of neglect and dissatisfaction within the marriage.
- Unfair Sharing of Responsibilities: Sandwich moms may feel like they're doing a disproportionate share of the caregiving burden compared to their spouses. This imbalance can cause feelings of unfairness can hurt the relationship, especially if it goes unaddressed.
- Financial Stress: The costs associated with caregiving for both children and elderly parents can put a significant financial burden on the family. Financial strain is a common source of conflict in marriages.
- Emotional Exhaustion: From dealing with a parent's declining health or a child's behaviors, sandwich moms often deal with the emotional toll of caregiving. This emotional exhaustion can leave partners with little energy to support each other.
- Communication Breakdowns: The stress and busyness of caregiving can lead to poor communication between partners. When a couple does not regularly talk about their issues openly, it can lead to misunderstandings. Unresolved conflicts can fester and resentment builds.
- Unmet Expectations: Partners may have different expectations about caregiving roles and responsibilities. When these expectations are unmet, it can cause the partner to feel unsupported.
- Lack of Appreciation: Sandwich moms devote a lot of their time and energy to helping others. If their partner does not appreciate, recognize or validate their efforts and sacrifices, they can feel like they are being taken advantage of or undervalued.
How To Recognize Signs of Resentment
The first step to working on a better relationship with your spouse is to recognize it. Here are some signs to watch for:
- Irritability and Short Temper: Do you fight often and it's usually about the same thing? Feeling easily annoyed and having frequent arguments with your partner is a sign of resentment.
- Pulling Away: Resentment can look like wanting to spend less time with your partner, withdrawing and avoiding conversations or activities with your spouse.
- Feelings of Unfairness: If you are constantly feeling overburdened or that responsibilities are unequally shared, this could be a sign of resentment.
- Unable to Forgive: Resentment can look like holding onto your partner's past mistakes and bringing them up whenever they upset you. You have a hard time letting go of what they did, said or didn't do.
- Persistently Negative Thoughts: Do you use words like "never" and "always" when you describe your partner? For instance, they never remember to put the toilet seat down or they're always late. You may resent your partner if you can only see their faults and have trouble remembering why you got together in the first place.
More from LittleThings: How Do You Tell Your Partner That You're Completely Burned Out & Overwhelmed?
How To Prevent Resentment From Destroying a Marriage
Your marriage isn't doomed if you're feeling resentful towards your partner. There are several ways to help prevent it from destroying your relationship.
Talk About the Issues Openly and Honestly
Open communication where you're both talking about your feelings, stresses and needs helps in understanding each other's perspectives and finding mutual solutions. Plan regular date nights or fun activities just for the two of you. Even small, regular moments together can strengthen your connection or rekindle the intimacy.
Work Together
You're not alone in this sandwich journey. Work with your partner and approach caregiving challenges as a team. Talk about who is responsible for what and try to keep caregiving duties balanced.
Delegate and share the load so that it prevents one partner from feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. Ask for help from extended family and friends or hire professional caregivers. This can provide much-needed breaks and reduce stress.
Remember to regularly thank each other for the little things. Acknowledging efforts can strengthen your relationship and make each of you feel appreciated.
Make Time for Self-Care
Don't forget about you! Find time for hobbies, exercise, or just relaxing. Taking care of yourself makes a big difference in reducing stress and improving overall mood. Clearly define caregiving roles and limits. Setting boundaries helps manage expectations and keeps you from feeling overwhelmed.
If things get tough, don't hesitate to see a family therapist or couples counselor. They can offer great strategies to cope and improve your relationship.
