When my ex-partner and I started family planning, we talked about the number of kids we would ideally like to have. I wanted up to five but at least three. My ex wanted two, and after the labor and delivery of our first child she was adamant that having one more birthing experience was her limit. But her second pregnancy gave us both what we wanted — sort of: multiples.
Twins were never in the plan until they were very much the plan. Multiples meant my ex only had to deal with two pregnancies but I got the three babies I had dreamed of. She was thrilled by the benefit of her fertility, but having twins is a lot, especially if you are the one growing them in your body. We quickly learned that three is the hardest number and the best way to raise twins is to survive the first year. Here’s how we did it.
Support the birthing person
Whether it’s you, a partner, or a surrogate, the person carrying the twins needs to feel emotionally and physically supported. Even though my ex had a relatively “easy” twin pregnancy, it took a toll. Sleeping, eating, and all everyday activities became more complicated. It was stressful for her to know her and the babies’ health were automatically at higher risk because she was carrying multiples. She felt a lot of pressure to keep the babies safe. My twins were born at 36 weeks and even though they were never in the NICU, many twins are born premature and need to spend some time at the hospital after their birth.
Did I mention that two babies come out of one body? There is going to be much-needed recovery time when the birthing person needs help without guilt or pressure to do more than regain strength and their sense of self.
My ex decided to breastfeed the twins and that was a full-time job. She was exhausted, touched-out, and at the mercy of someone giving and then taking the babies before and after tandem feeding sessions. After a month of this I noticed signs of depression and we kept a close eye on her mood. The birth of twins increases the risk of postpartum depression, so be sure to talk to your doctor if you are worried about yourself or your partner. Taking care of your babies means taking care of yourself.
Love your first child first
A friend told me that the babies will get used to whatever schedule or approach you take to parent them. That means the twins are going to have to wait a little longer than if they were singletons or born first when it comes to the basics. Your first child will eventually learn to share your time, love, and resources, but to make the transition smoother, take care of your first child first. This cuts down on tantrums, jealousy, resentment, and all of the other hard-to-manage reactions a scorned child will feel with the addition of twins. Once our daughter knew her needs would still be met and she wasn’t being ignored, she became secure again in her place in our family. Instead of trying to pull us away from the twins, she wanted to be involved in taking care of them.
Put them on the same schedule
There are differing opinions on this, but we kept the twins on the same sleeping and feeding schedule. There was a little wiggle room as they got older and we were bottle feeding more than breastfeeding, but for the most part, when one baby wanted to eat, we fed the other, too, even if it meant waking one up to do so. And as we tried to get their bodies used to the day/night routine, we created the same sleep environments and nap schedules for them.
You can’t force babies to eat or sleep and we had two very different babies who didn’t always agree with our plans. But our efforts paid off because we eventually found a routine that worked for them that allowed us to have chunks of time when we weren’t catering to the needs of infants. It was already brutal getting up every two hours to feed them during the first few months. If we didn’t establish the same schedule for them, there was the real risk of being up at staggered times and there was no way we would have survived that.
Nothing said after midnight counts
My ex and I didn’t divorce because of our parenting disagreements. We have always been great co-parents in part because we established an Us vs. Them mentality. In that agreement was the understanding that we were going to say some really crummy things to each other in the middle of the night when we were sleep deprived and not anywhere close to our best selves. We agreed to not hold words said against each other during those hours. We didn't abuse that rule but it certainly took the pressure off.
Lower the bar
The first year of having twins (and a toddler) was the hardest year of my life. I can still feel the pain of being tired. I can still see the bottles, diapers, clothes, Pack ‘n Plays, play mats, toys, swings, jumpers, etc. all over the house. And these were just for the babies. Three other people lived in the house who also accumulated messes. The house was a wreck and all we could do was survive.
Dinners were kept easy. Bathing was optional. Laundry wasn’t always folded. And if we felt adventurous, we went for walks, but we didn't do much outside of the house and our workout routines were gone. Oh, right. And my ex and I had full-time jobs that first year. If we made it through the day fed and mostly happy, it was a good day.
Ask for help
And accept any help offered. Maybe your parents or in-laws drive you crazy but if they offer to stay for a week or two, take the help. You can find plenty for them to do and it will be too busy or you will be too exhausted to deal with or notice their annoying habits. Friends, neighbors, and relatives will happily come over and hold a baby or two so you can shower. They will gladly fold laundry for an hour or bring over dinner. We had a meal train/helper calendar for the first month and it was such a blessing. Even after the first month, folks still wanted to come by to walk the dog, hang with the babies, or drop off a meal.
Take lots of photos and videos
Hopefully I didn’t terrify you too much, but real talk is all I know. I’ll also let you in on this secret: Having twins is super cool and you will experience so many sweet and memorable moments. You will also witness the twins’ relationship with each other; some of my favorite videos are of the twins interacting with one another without knowing I was around. But thanks to exhaustion and the whirlwind of taking care of two infants at once, you’re likely to forget some of these moments. I’m so glad I always had my phone nearby to take lots of photos and videos. The memories that pop up on my social media feed make me cry sometimes. While I wish I had been able to enjoy it a bit more while in the thick of it, I’m reminded that we had some really beautiful and celebratory moments with the twins.
My babies turn 8 this month and it has gotten easier in some ways and everyone is sleeping more. But keep the bar low because the chaos gets faster and louder as they get bigger. And instead of wiping bums you will be asking them to not wipe their bums on each other. Godspeed.
