A dad in his mid-50s took to Reddit to solve a money-related dispute he's become embroiled in with his own children. They're both fully grown adults (his daughter is 30, and his son is 27). The problem dates back decades, as the dad told each child that he would pay for them to go to college. Cool, right?
Well … maybe. It turns out that he didn't have to pay for his daughter to go to college, because she took care of it herself.
"The thing is, Ana got a full scholarship for college where both her tuition fees and living expenses were paid for but I had to pay for my son's education and living expenses with the money I saved up.
“Both my children knew I had $100k for their college education but since my daughter got a full ride, I told her I’d hold on to it until she either wants to use it for her wedding or a down payment for a house.”
On the surface, this seems pretty fair. They both received their promised $100,000, which is an astronomical amount of money for anyone to be gifted. It turns out that the man’s son, whom he calls Alex, doesn’t think it’s fair at all.
It turns out that Ana is ready to buy a house, and she requested the funds that were promised to her.
"So last week Ana asked for the money to buy a house and I gladly gave it to her but a few days later I got an angry call from Alex accusing me of favoritism and how I'm being unfair. I explained to him that I just gave her the college fund I was saving up for her, which was the same amount as what I've given him for college. He still thinks I should've split the money evenly so it would be more fair. I have no idea how he knew about it but I think my wife (their stepmom) told him."
"Ana has since told me that her brother has been calling her every now and then demanding for his half of the money. So both my kids are fighting now.
“My wife told me that I’m being a bit unfair and that the money is tearing the family apart. I told her that it was always Ana’s money and I already gave Alex his share to pay for his college expenses.
“Both kids are college educated with good jobs so it’s not like Alex desperately needs the money.”
To the dad, the arrangement is 100% justified. After all, it's just what he promised them.
"I think that splitting the money would've been very unfair to Ana, who worked hard to get her scholarship but what do you guys think?"
The dad also added that he technically spent more than $100,000 for Alex, once you tally up tuition, fees, rent, bills, food, and "everything in between."
How you feel about the situation is probably informed by a few things — namely, your own feelings about what children are and are not entitled to, especially once they are adults.
One person even said that the issue here is Alex has a huge sense of entitlement to something that didn't have to be his.
"I'm tired of adult children getting upset about money they have no entitlement to. They should just look at what was given to them and feel grateful for that. My parents paid for both my education and my sister's, and as my sister currently lives with my parents, my parents currently 'gift' her much more and likely will continue to gift her more as they continue to be in such close proximity to each other. My parents letting me go into the world with no debt is such a great gift that I don't care if my parents leave me nothing and gift everything to my sister. It's so distasteful to fight over money after your parents pass let alone while your parents are alive to have to feel such stress and heartache."
Other people considered the problem from a similar angle, and critiqued the original plan. Maybe it sounded like a good idea, but the reality demonstrates that it was misguided at best.
"Any financial planner or estate attorney would have told you this is the kind of decision that destroys families. You're not WRONG, but this was a pretty predictable outcome, and your kids' relationships with each other may never heal. Whether 'fairness' is worth that to you, only you can decide."
The conversation is part of a larger discussion that has been taking place nationally (and likely internationally) for years: Just what are adult children entitled to, anyway? It's one thing to help out your children when they really need it, but many people advise against giving adult children money, especially if they are able-bodied and have received a strong education.
Christina Baltz, a law partner in New York, told the New York Times, "Money is a metaphor for love and control." The paper also writes that parents have to strike a balance between helping their child out of a spot and subsidizing a lifestyle that their child just doesn't want to have to work for on their own.
Most people who commented on the Reddit thread seem to agree that Alex is acting out of a misplaced sense of entitlement. He doesn't seem to realize that, now more than ever, being able to graduate from a great school ($100,000 in tuition!) debt-free is a huge privilege. His dad mentions that Alex has a good job, and that he doesn't need the money … Alex just seems to think he's earned it somehow.
"I feel like he's being entitled and not taking what is already a blessing gracefully. You set aside equal amounts for the two of them quite generously and, she wound up just not needing it as badly for what it was intended for, so I think it's justified just using it for something else if you still want her to have it. He should have no claim to it."
Conversations about money can be tricky for some people, and sometimes it seems that families and individuals who have an abundance of resources have the hardest time talking about that reality.
This specific conversation is also similar to another that has been floating around for years: Are inheritances moral?
In 2011, Megan McArdle wrote in The Atlantic that she doesn't think so:
"Do they deserve to inherit? By virtue of what? Being born? Having parents? Maybe they put up with their parents, and their parents were difficult, even terrible. But if the parents wanted to pay someone to put up with them, they could have done so when they were alive. And no matter how awful your parents were, 'putting up with them' doesn't seem so terrible that it should entitle you to all their stuff, tax-free."
Perhaps the conundrum this dad finds himself in could have been mitigated if he and his children had engaged in ongoing conversations about the money — but maybe not. If anything, this story is a great reminder that conversations with your kids about entitlement, money, and privilege are important to have across the board.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
